Mozitos: Or...What To Do With Your *Other* 5 1/2 Bottles Of Zima

Say you're part of my generation, and those classy, spiffy looking little bottles of intriguing Zima dissapeared from store shelves just before you were old enough to (legally) find out for yourself just how unworthwhile they really were.

Sure, everyone said it was horrible, nasty crap. Sure, in all your years you've never heard anyone say one good thing about Zima (not even that one dude who had just the weirdest taste in drinks...) But now they're back, and dagnabbit you're well over 21 this time, with a bucket list and some hard-earned cash.

And partway into one bottle, yes, you too can now check one more item off that bucket list - that slight cringe on your face is your badge of honor: You finally know for yourself exactly why it was ridiculed and dissapeard for over a decade. And you too, can now join in on the ribbing. Mission accomplished.

But, shoot, what do you do with the rest of the five and a half bottles in that six-pack? It never did feel right to toss even the most vile booze down the drain. What a shame. What's a dude[ette] to do?

Make Mozitos!


  • 1/2 Bottle of chilled but still nasty, overly-sugary, slightly beer-ish, not-very-citrusy swill that because of "malt and citrus" sounds like it should kinda taste like a shandy except it really doesn't (aka, "Zima")
  • However many shots of whatever proof vodka you choose. You're on your own here, but one word of advice: Go with the cheapest one you can find. It's a freaking mixed drink - it's not like you're gonna notice the difference. (Rum would likely work well too, athough it's not as cheap. Just make sure not to use a sweeter one like Parrot Bay, at least not for this recipe. The Zima has plenty of sweetness already.)
  • Juice from 1/2 a lime (Roll the lime hard on a countertop before slicing it open - That'll make it a lot easier to extract all the juice. Some people suggest slightly heating it in a microwave, but I think rolling it is easier, much more fun, and words just as well.)
  • Several leaves of fresh mint (Or a bunch if you really love mint)
  • Three ice cubes


  1. Take your serving vessel (ie: "cup") and add the lime juice and mint leaves.
  2. Use a muddler to mash the mint leaves (Carefully! You don't want to chip the glass if the glass The releases the mint's minty flavor into the drink.
  3. Since nobody has a muddler, and most people don't even know what a "muddler" is, just use the handle of a knife or whatever else you have in your kitcken that looks like it'd be good for mashing mint leaves in a glass. (Hmm, maybe I should have mentioned this before step 2.)
  4. Add your vodka (Or rum. Or whatever.)
  5. Add ice.
  6. Fill the rest of the glass with (roughly) 1/2 bottle of Zima
  7. Serve. (That's fancy-talk for "Bottoms Up!")
  8. Swear to never buy Zima again. Until the next time they bring it back as a "Limited Release"...

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