Originally posted: August 16th, 2007
So, I saw a bottle of "Dove", some "TRESemme" (yes, with quadruple capitalization), "Head and Shoulders", a bunch of fruit salads, and even some bottled rays of sunshine (how in the world did they manage that?). All I wanted was shampoo.
Upon inspection of the fine print, I discovered that some of the bottled "Aussie", "Dial", and so on doubled as shampoo. But these were no ordinary shampoos. These were "Shampoo for oily hair", "Shampoo for damaged and color treated hair", and other such variations. Umm, ok, so what kind of hair was mine? "Dirty hair" as far as I could recall. That's why I wanted shampoo in the first place, right? No such luck. I couldn't find the "Shampoo for dirty hair". So I picked one at random and crossed my fingers it wouldn't tear my head clear off.
What does it take to get commodity manufacturers to finally realize they're making just that: commodities? Give me plastic wrap, give me toilet paper, give me shampoo. I don't give a crap what your brand is.
Back on the topic of shampoo for a moment: What do you think happens when you rub fruit, vegetables, honey, and vanilla into your hair? That's right, it gets dirty.
So why should cramming all of that food into a shampoo make me want to buy it? Just because those things are "all-natural"? Really? Well, you know what else is all-natural? Poison ivy, E coli, cobra venom and lava. Would you want to eat a poison ivy salad with E coli dressing, inject yourself with cobra venom and wash your hair with lava? If so, well then hurry up and help improve the gene pool. "All-natural" doesn't mean anything.
Alright, back to the marketing of commodities. Why do the marketers behind hygiene-related products insist on treating their market like a Barbie vs. GI Joe matter? I'm no longer a toddler. I've grown up. So listen up Gillette: I don't need industrial jet-engine themes to be enticed into buying razors and shaving cream. Nor do all girls and women fall head over heels for flowery stuff. Ever hear of a tomboy? Apparently not.
As if jet-themes weren't insulting enough, I certainly don't need blatant "For Men" soap. Am I really supposed to be stupid enough to think having a dick necessitates a different type of face wash?
Which brings me to the Axe/Edge products: the Maxim/FHM/SpikeTV/G4 of the commodity world. This will probably come as a surprise to many people, but as a guy, I find the antics of these companies downright insulting. How stupid and primordial do they think I am? It's as if their marketing is run by a group of feminazis attempting to appeal to the serial rapist that supposedly exists in every man.
And don't even get me started on the "stupid childish messy beer-chugging football-obsessed caveman-like husband of a clean intelligent organized level-headed wife" cliche that's so prevalent in commercials and (usually lame) sitcoms. Yes, I know there are plenty of people like that out there, but let's be sensible: there are also a lot who aren't. And here I thought sexism and stereotyping had become passe four decades ago.
Speaking of prejudice, don't get me started on that nutjob who thinks Resident Evil 5 is racist. Seriously, don't.
2 comments for "I Just Wanted Shampoo!"
I hate most commercials having anything to do with sports. The neanderthal husband sits on his ass and is a general douche, while his Martha Stewart wife makes gorgeous food and brings him more beer. It's like they took things that no one looks forward too or wants and tried to make them appealing. Ladies! Hey guess what, your husband is going to turn into a blithering idiot every time a game is on, and it is your special privilege to wait on him hand and foot. You have ambition? Too bad, be a housewife! Guys, you are going to become fat and short-tempered, and your sad life will revolve around sports because you are stuck working at a low-paying dead end job. Get ready for your wife to stop being your lover and instead turn into your maid and mother wrapped into one!
Exactly! Welcome back to 1950's ideals!